Isn't it so tempting to get caught up in alternate reality? i've had one of those days where nothing quire makes sense. One of my favorite people decided to up and go crazy this afternoon, leaving me completely and utterly stupified? how is it that we can just ignore each other's feelings so readily? how is it that we can create bonds that don't totally hold, forget them, and then expect the reconnections to be totally perfect once again? the thing is, i can't even be properly mad at him though. i can't hate him for being ignorant of what he was doing to me this whole time. for leaving me helpless. it just seems to me that we should be able to make more time to be understanding. i should've taken more time to make sure that i fully understood what he was actually saying rather than trying to decode the silent truths behind his words. looking back on it right now, that was such a waste of time. to want to find the right guy, to fall in love, to dream of my "happily-ever-after", how much of a sap am i? i've never been like that. i've always been the one in the corner, the cynicela one who didn't need love, didn't need anyone. but the avoidance has only helped me to end up alone. and on some level...i like it that way. it's less..."sigh" scary...than being with someone. than having someone try to guess and check your thoughts. than having someone see how cracked i actually am. and that's fine. but i won't lie to you, i do want to giive in sometimes, to have someone know me. but it's fine. i wonder how many times i say that? i'm fine. i wonder when some will finally ask me if i mean it. and when i'll finally be able to say, "no, not really."

this is for anyone who's willing to listen...or read as the case may be at this point. i just wanted to say thank you to all of the artists who have made this past year bearable for me, without you there would be no inspiration in my life and as a result my words would be as dull and lifeless as a block of wood, so thanks again! there's one other thing that i want to share with the rest of you out there who are crazy enough to read this, don't waste your time letting the world's inhabitants try to define you because they are always and continuously wrong. i know that this is something that we all already know, but i thinkt that it's also something that we sometimes forget. the world wasn't made to judge you or lable you, it was made for you to exsist in, to change and mold as you see fit. there has never been a great artist in the world who has ever been satisfied with what he or she is doing, but let this be a lesson to you, you are all artists of the world and you exsist, like the rest of us to create change. so in conclusion...it is my hope that each one of you continues to make the type of amazingly stupifying changes to the world that i know you can! once again, i don't know if i'm right, just something i was thinking

have you ever been proud of yourself over the tiniest little thing? the smallest realization about yourself? i did something today that i pretty much do everyday, and i was so proud of myself, seemingly for no reason at all...just for completeing a project. i guess the way that i started to look at it..is that i could've just left it, for someone else to find and fix for me but instead i completed it. it made me realize that in order to live life you have to be willing to make the occasional mistake, but you also have to string together all the little things and make that count more to you than the big stuff..like getting your first job or making something that you threw your entire being and all your mounds of creativity into, something that may amaze even you, and that if your not finding it where you are then maybe you should venture somewhere else. the winds of change aren't always good but...they do make things exciting. i don't know if i'm right...just something i was thinking

Today was one of those days.
the kind that don't really seem to matter until, that is, you reflect and think back on them. i remeber that there was a time that i didn't even realize or recognize them, didn't even know that they were there, but i guess we all come to find things out in our own way and time. I read something today that made me think...the best gifts are always suprises. and you know, when you think about it, it makes sense. The entire entity of the world is a gift,we all love and live vicariously through it and yet there is always a part of us that is willing to sacrifice that for the sake of somehting that we thought was so important originally, and never really turns out to be that way. and suddenly out of the middle of nowhere, that's when it hits you, what you think is important and what's actually important to you are two completely seperate things, and often they don't really coincide too well. that part's the most unfortunate. but in the midst of it all, you somehow magically figure it out, and you get through it and you move on. and i mean maybe that's what life if supposed to be, maybe it's supposed to be trial and error, maybe your supposed to make flub-ups and be forgetful and lose sight of what's really sentimental and personal only to you, maybe just maybe that's how it's all supposed to go. and really i mean it took me until just today, just until this very moment to even figure it out myself, so really i don't know if i'm right, but then again aren't the best type of lessons and suprises the ones that are found out of self discovery? like i said, i don't know if i'm right, it's just something i was thinking...

i am so glad that it's my favorite season now! finally fall has come and i can feel that wonderful in between in the weather. i love to see piles of leaves gathered around the various street corners that surround my own; little kids gathering them up to just ruin the piles that they had previously made by jumping into them. there is only one word to describe this time of the year, fantastic, the way that the sun seems to shine just so through the picture windows that have been precariously hidden within each and every twist and turn of the branch and every pea green leaf. the way that the whole hue of the world has completely changed; what was once green has now been replaced with newly formed shades of the crispest orange, the most vibrant yellows and reds, and they are all there for my pleasure, for my viewing. and it makes me wonder, every time that i walk home and see a tiny leaf flitting in the crisp cool air,does everyone see the beauty in this truly imaculant time of year, or is it just a select few? does everyone take a special pleasure in knowing that this is the time when you are supposed to pick apples, and enjoy a humongous bond fire with friends while drinking apple cider under a starlit sky and just being absorbed in the time and the place and feeling that the world has presented in front of you? or maybe it's mores simple than that, maybe every season is just supposed to be another time and another place, well i don't personally believe that, so it doesn't really matter all that much to me. i like to believe that every season is put in place for the simple reason of you being in tune with the world as much as humanly achieveable,
i don't know if i'm right, but it was just something i was thinking.