Isn't it so tempting to get caught up in alternate reality? i've had one of those days where nothing quire makes sense. One of my favorite people decided to up and go crazy this afternoon, leaving me completely and utterly stupified? how is it that we can just ignore each other's feelings so readily? how is it that we can create bonds that don't totally hold, forget them, and then expect the reconnections to be totally perfect once again? the thing is, i can't even be properly mad at him though. i can't hate him for being ignorant of what he was doing to me this whole time. for leaving me helpless. it just seems to me that we should be able to make more time to be understanding. i should've taken more time to make sure that i fully understood what he was actually saying rather than trying to decode the silent truths behind his words. looking back on it right now, that was such a waste of time. to want to find the right guy, to fall in love, to dream of my "happily-ever-after", how much of a sap am i? i've never been like that. i've always been the one in the corner, the cynicela one who didn't need love, didn't need anyone. but the avoidance has only helped me to end up alone. and on some level...i like it that way. it's less..."sigh" scary...than being with someone. than having someone try to guess and check your thoughts. than having someone see how cracked i actually am. and that's fine. but i won't lie to you, i do want to giive in sometimes, to have someone know me. but it's fine. i wonder how many times i say that? i'm fine. i wonder when some will finally ask me if i mean it. and when i'll finally be able to say, "no, not really."